Perspective

Yesterday was a little rough. I went in for my second epidural. This time they sedated me so it was much easier than last week's. But I came home and dealt all day and night with the migraine that comes when they mess with your spine. Most women who have had an epidural or spinal have probably experienced it. Give me back pain over a migraine any day. I hate having headaches.

At bed time I started feeling really hot and when I stood up to go to the bathroom my heart started racing and I felt like I couldn't breath. Between that and the migraine I just sort of lost it and came back to bed crying......o.k., sobbing. Loverboy went and got a cool cloth for my head and started talking to me to try and distract me from the pain. He gave a play by play of the last cruise we went on together. He described everything in depth right down to the temperature of the room and the long nap we enjoyed on that first day. It was a nice distraction.

Then he talked about the first time he kissed me and when he knew he was in love with me. He talked about the pants I was wearing the first time he saw me. It would probably seem odd that 20 years later he still remembers what pants I was wearing were it not for the fact that what he first noticed about me was my tush. Apparently I rode my bike right up to the apartment building in front of his family room window where he happened to be standing....lurking. He freely admits it. Sadly, it wasn't my charming personality or my sweet spirit that caught his eye but my bum. Yup, that's the stuff good relationships are made of.

We talked until 1:00 a.m. We talked about that come September, I will have known him for longer than I haven't. He will have been a part of my life for OVER half my life. Then we talked about growing old together and how we would feel on our 60th anniversary. We talked about serving missions together and spoiling our grand kids and taking them on trips to Europe. He talked about our relationship being a tree with deep, strong roots that has, and will yet weather many storms. We talked about some of the hard things we've been through together and how they've made us stronger. And he talked about how this current trial would make us stronger still. He told me how proud he was of me for being strong and faithful. I don't feel like I always am so it was comforting to hear that he does.

I've been in bed for six weeks now. It's getting harder and harder to picture life ever being normal again. I think deep down I know it will be but I try to day dream about it and it's getting harder to conjure up the images now. The other day I decided I was going to go down and make dinner for my family. I was determined. I walked down stairs, pulled out the recipe book and stood at the kitchen counter for about a minute before the pain set in too strong and I gave up and walked back up to bed. I miss taking care of my kids and making dinner for my family. I miss it all so much.

This morning I read a blog that a friend told me about. It's written by a mother who's children have some very serious health problems. Hearing losses, tumors, constant tests and trips to the hospital. Another close friend of mine is dealing with breast cancer right now. Another has a son with special needs that requires her constant care and unbelievable amounts of work and patience. Two of my dear friends are raising their children alone, because of husbands who broke covenants and now offer little support, financial or otherwise. I have friends who have lost children. I cannot even imagine going through that. No matter what our trials are, it seems we can find someone with more challenging ones with no effort at all. In the end, they say that if everyone piled up their problems, and had the chance to pick from the pile, they'd end up choosing their own. I don't know if everyone would agree with that or not. But I'm convinced that Heavenly Father wants us to learn from the trials that come our way. That if we let them, they will make us better and stronger. God didn't promise a life free of trials and hardships but He does promise to be by our side to help us through them.

I am truly blessed and I pray for those who are struggling with trials so much more challenging and life altering than my own. I'm so grateful for perspective.

"Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

Good news or bad?

Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

I personally like the get the bad over with and finish with the good. Hope that works for you.

Bad news- The epidural didn't work. At least not yet. It still could though. For now the pain seems worse. Hooray for pain management! I haven't given up hope though. I have two more injections scheduled and we know someone who got great relief after the second one. So that gives me some hope. I keep thinking I should be better so I get up and walk around and then I'm usually regretting it big time within 5 minutes. Grrrr. I'm a little cranky.

Good news- My mom is here this week. I needed her and I'm so happy she's here. It feels good to know the girls are getting some grandma lovin'. My mom and her hubby John are about to leave for 18 months to serve a church mission in the Dominican Republic and we're all going to miss them a lot. So, John's home packing up their house and she's here taking care of us and we're all very grateful she could come in spite of how crazy her life is right now. Thanks Mom!

Grandma singing the girls "bedtime songs".

More good news~ I think loverboy had a happy Father's Day in spite of the fact that his lame wife couldn't pamper him all day. I told him we'd have a "make-up" father's day when I get better. He got to have lunch in bed with me and a short nap and the girls and my Mom made him pancakes with peanut butter and syrup (his favorite) for breakfast. His Mom brought him one of his favorite desserts, sherbert ice cream in a macaroon crust, otherwise known as Mrs. Boydson's dessert. He LOVES it! So overall, I think it was a pretty happy day. The primary kids at church made all the Dad's bow ties out of packages of Skittles. They were so cute! Jeff came home from church wearing his.

The best Daddy in the world wearing his Skittles bow tie, surrounded by his greatest fans.

Stuff

It's Friday and I'm off to the hospital for my epidural. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I want it to work in the worst way. Please pray for me!!

So here's the post I wrote last weekend but never got around to posting:

Friday I had a frustrating visit to the "pain management clinic". After an hour in their office asking me my medical history since birth, they sent me home in pain. What kind of a pain management clinic sends their patients home in pain I ask?!? Please do not dismay though (as I did), they DID send me home with the hope that if my HMO comes through for me this time and actually approves the request in a timely manner, I maybe, possibly, potentially could have authorization by NEXT Friday (yes, a full 7 days away) at which time I could get an epidural injection.....which maybe, possibly, hopefully may or may not take the pain away. Hooray for pain management! Wouldn't it be fun if I had a little device that allowed me to transfer my pain to someone just for an hour or two? I've often wondered if I could let them walk in my shoes (or in my case, lay in my bed) for an hour or two if they would feel more compassionate and help to push things through a little more quickly. I suppose it's not any nicer to wish my back pain on someone than it was to wish the pain of child birth on Loverboy. I just wanted to give him a little taste. Is that cruel?

Shouldn't there be some benefit to pain? Being in pain takes a lot out of you. Doesn't it seem like being in pain should at least burn a lot of calories or something? Seems especially harsh to have to lay here day after day in pain while my muscles disintegrate and I turn into a big, soft marshmallow. I am not looking good people. Luckily I don't spend much time in front of the mirror because it requires standing up. If I did, I might be depressed. I have big bags under my eyes which is interesting since I do nothing but lay in bed. I can't get my hair done which means that gray hairs may start sprouting at any moment. If I have to be a marshmallow with bags under my eyes AND gray hair, it might send me over the edge. Just warning you, a girl can only take so much.

Sunday night, Loverboy had some friends over for a BBQ. I think he did it to lift my spirits. He claimed it was all about him but he had to sacrifice his Sunday nap to prepare so I know it was for me. I asked him what he would serve and he told me not to worry because he had it all under control. (Tater tots and beans were the side dishes. Awesome!) He bought me an outdoor lounge chair and set it up on Saturday so I could lay outside and have a change of scenery. This might seem like a small thing but I can assure you it was not. I have been outside several times now to lay in my chair and it is amazing. I got to watch my kids run around the yard giggling and having fun and I felt little like a normal Mom for awhile. Sunday I layed outside, eating, visiting with friends and laughing. It felt so good.

My cute sis-in-law brought me a gift. Some yummy snacks, a 'Nora Jones' c.d. and some cute pajama pants. If I have to lay in bed all day turning into a marshmallow with no make up and matted hair, I can at least wear cute pajama bottoms, right?!? And they are oh-so-cute and comfy too. I'm wearing them right now and they're even long enough. I'm 5'9". That's not exactly amazonish and yet it's surprisingly hard to find pj's that are long enough for my legs. Thanks LeLe! At least I'm now a marshmallow dressed in cute pj's, listening to some great new tunes (man, I love her voice).

Another thing that made my weekend was church via cell phone. A friend of mine who seems to have a direct line to heaven and often is the answer to my prayers as soon as they arrive in the heavenly in-box, had the brilliant idea to take her cell phone and put in on "speaker phone" at church this weekend. This weekend was a special conference that Mormons have twice a year where we meet together as a stake (the five local congregations) and our local leaders speak to us. The meetings are always wonderful and very uplifting. I was so disappointed that I was going to miss it and having not been to church for a month now has been hard for me. I got to lay in bed and listen to the whole meeting on my speaker phone. It was awesome and inspiring and so very needed. Church gives me what I need to get through the coming week and I feel like I need it now more than ever and I haven't had it. Of course I have plenty of ways to get spiritual upliftment at home, in the scriptures, in books and through music. But there's something about going to church and being surrounded by people you love, who love you, who would do anything for you, and do. A recent convert to the church who spoke in the meeting Sunday said, "LDS people are a people who care and a people who do." It's true. I miss being around them. That's what I've been craving. And even though I wasn't with them, I felt like I was. Hearing the familiar voices, listening to words of hope and inspiration was just what I needed.

The Latest

The spine surgeon said he wants me to try an Epidural injection. They basically inject some potent pain killers and steroids right into the injured nerve. I'm guessing it's going to be a lot of fun. The goal is to soak the injured nerve with the anti-inflammatory steroid allowing the nerve to recover and the pain to subside. Don't I sound doctorly? As for the disc that's floating around in there, I'm not exactly sure what happens to that. And what about the scar tissue from my previous surgery, did we ask about that? I always think of all the questions to ask when I get home. Grrrr. I guess I don't really care what happens to the pesky disc or the scar tissue as long as the pain goes away.

I REALLY want this to work. Really.

In the meantime, Keekees keeps me happy with these....

She delivers AT LEAST 10 "letters" to my room each day. Sometimes she walks in asking if there's anyone in the room who has a hurt back. (I have to raise my hand) Sometimes she asks for the sick person in the room. Sometimes she tells me she found something in the mailbox for me. But ALWAYS, she stands smiling as I open, admire and gush over whatever is inside the tiny envelope.

Daydreaming

I've been lovingly reprimanded several times for not posting anything on my blog for the last few days. After all, "it's not like you don't have any time" someone said. I can't argue with that one, I have nothing BUT time. After awhile though, even the enjoyable things like watching movies and blogging grow wearisome. I know you don't believe me, but it's true. And another thing - I think Vicodin gives me writer's block. Really. But writing is therapeutic for me so I'm going to try to do better.

One friend sent me an e-mail last week saying, "Bless you for documenting this journey and for staying grateful in spite of these challenges. As I go around doing my daily chores I'm remembering you and trying to be grateful that I can do them." Another friend asked if I would use my blog for updates so she would know what's going on without having to bother me. OK, OK, I'll try to do better. At least while I'm still down. Once I'm better, I'm sure I'll go back to neglecting my blog for months on end. But for now, I'll try.

Today I was daydreaming about going to the gym. I'm not one of those people who is obsessed with working out and loves it. I'm not and I don't. But I do like the way I feel after I've had a good workout. So today I was daydreaming about how good it would feel to be sweaty, tired, out of breath, with sore muscles and a sense of accomplishment. Don't get me wrong, I still experience all of those sensations, just not in the same way.

I run out of breath walking up the stairs on my once daily trip downstairs. I know....pathetic. I feel tired at 2 am when I can't sleep. I have sore muscles from laying in the same position all day. Who knew you could get sore doing absolutely nothing, but you can. But I do have a sense of accomplishment after I've done something hard like taking a shower or putting in a load of laundry. Baby steps.

I also daydreamed about flying to Utah today. There was a fare special on Delta. $69 each way. I wish I could fly up there and help my Mom pack. She's getting ready to leave on a mission for our church for 18 months. My Mom, who was recently diagnosed with Leukemia, is leaving the comforts of home to go to the Dominican Republic with her new husband for a year and a half to serve others. If anyone was entitled to a pity party, it's her. But instead of feeling sorry for herself, she's cheerfully packing her life into boxes to set off with two suitcases and a lot of faith onto a new adventure. She's a pretty amazing woman.

I was talking to my Mom the other day and she was telling me about her two back surgeries. The first time, when I think I was about 4 years old, she was down for 2 months and had a lamenectomy. Then, a year later her spine collapsed and she had to go in for a spinal fusion when my little sister was only ONE. That time she was down for SIX months....with a one year old and three other children. She told me the ladies from church helped her out just like they're helping us. I can't imagine being down for as long as she was. But we're both remarkably lucky to have such a strong support system.

So here's the update: Still in bed, still bored, still frustrated but also still very grateful.

I just got a call from the spine doctor and thanks to a call from my primary care doctor, who convinced them that I need to be seen sooner than June 22nd, they're going to see me in the morning!! Hallelujah! Dr. Payne, (yeah, that's really his name) YOU ROCK!! Don't tell me prayers aren't heard! I've never been so excited to go to a Doctor's appointment. Ever.

Things are pretty good. I allow myself 10 minutes a day to feel sorry for myself and the other 23 hours and 50 minutes, I try to focus on all I have to be grateful for. And trust me, there's a lot. As trials go, mine is pretty low on the scale. I spend a lot of time playing the "it could be worse" game. It puts things in perspective. I can think of about 10,000+ ways my situation could be worse. There are so many people out there struggling with truly horrendous things. Having a little trial of my own has helped me feel even more compassion for them and made me even more determined to serve others when I'm able again.

IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, Mi* brought me two delicious sack lunches and wrote me a sweet, comforting note, Le* brought me another batch of her magical brownies with special healing power (she brings them every week), Di* took Keeks for a playdate and came and visited with me, Gi* took Keeks to run errands and then picked up all the kids from school (which she's done every day for weeks now), Ju* kept Keeks for the entire day yesterday and then brought us dinner. One of my sweet girls from church, Er* came to visit me and stayed and talked for an hour. Ja* and An* came and cleaned my house, even the toilets. It's painful laying in bed while friends clean your toilets. Sa* brought us an impromptu dinner and muffins, loverboy has brought me meals in bed, filled my water jug, changed the sheets, helped me get dressed, fought the evil HMO, listened to me, talked to me, loved me and been my knight in shining armor. The girls have been patient with me, brought me things, snuggled with me, made me get well cards and posters and prayed for me. Countless others have called or e-mailed to check in on me too. Experiencing such service and kindness in such a short period of time makes it hard to feel sorry for yourself for too long.

Now I'm day dreaming about the day when I can do for others what they've done for me. That will be a happy day.

The cure for "June Gloom"

It's June and we're experiencing our usual "June Gloom" here in California. It's been cool and overcast and has even drizzled the last couple of nights. These are the kind of days I love having soup. I found this recipe for chicken tortellini soup and then changed it to suit our tastes and it's awesome. If I could, I would make this for dinner tonight. But since I can't, I think YOU should! Did I mention its really easy too??

CHICKEN TORTELLINI SOUP

7-3/4 cups boiling chicken broth
1 (14.5 ounce) can stewed tomatoes, cut up
1 (10 oz) pkg. frozen chopped spinach, thawed (I chop fresh spinach)
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
1 (9 oz) package refrigerated cheese tortellini
2-1/2 cups cubed cooked chiken

In a dutch oven or soup kettle, combine the broth, tomatoes, spinach, Parmesan cheese, salt and pepper. Cook for 10 minutes; add the tortellini and chicken. Cook for 5 minutes or until tortellini is heated through.

Now if you REALLY want to impress your family, make these homemade breadsticks too. They'll be so impressed, they will praise your name. It's true, I've experienced it. Even though it's not my recipe, these are now referred to in my house as "Mommy's famous breadsticks". They're so darn good. Make them quick and you'll score some major brownie points with your family.

MOMMY'S FAMOUS BREADSTICKS

1 Tbls. yeast
1-1/2 cup warm water
2 Tbls. sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
3 cups flour
3-4 Tbls. butter
onion salt, garlic salt, Italian seasoning, Parmesan cheese

Dissolve yeast in warm water then add sugar, salt and flour. Mix well. Let dough rise for 10 minutes covered. Melt butter and spread 1/2 of the butter on a cookie sheet. Roll out the dough onto the butter greased sheet. Spread the remaining melted butter on top. Sprinkle garlic salt, onion salt, Italian seasoning, and Parmesean cheese on top. Cut into breadsticks with a pizza cutter. Let rise for another 15 minutes. Bake at 375 for 20 minutes. YUMMY!!

I miss normal

It's hard not to take life for granted when it's just going along normally. I certainly have. Who would think to be grateful for all those simple little things until they're gone or just not very simple any more? There probably are people who don't take normalcy for granted but I wasn't one of them. I'd like to think I'll never take any of these things for granted again but sadly I probably will. But hopefully not for a very, very long time.

I miss.....

going to church
standing up hugs
walking without pain
wearing shoes
luxurious showers
sitting in a chair
Saturday projects
going to the gym
walking to the mailbox
cooking dinner for my family
going on dates
walking out to loverboy's office and siting on his lap
picking up kee kees
driving (who knew I would miss it but I do)
feeling normal
dancing in the kitchen
late night frozen yogurt runs
going to the temple
independence....I miss it a lot.
going to the grocery store
peaceful sleep
helping others
the sense of accomplishment after a productive day
watching Dani ride her bike
watering my tomato plants

Six months from now if you see me trotting around taking life for granted, please smack me...HARD, REALLY HARD and remind me to be grateful for all those wonderfully normal little things in life.

Clean sheets

Tonight I took a shower. Trust me, that's an accomplishment. Ja* went and bought sheets for me today. I only had two sets. A winter set and a summer set. We didn't want to put the winter flannel sheets on and it's hard to wash the others and put them back on when you're laying on them all day. I explained this dilemma to my wise friend and in her clear logical mind, the solution was easy. Buy more sheets. Brilliant! Ahhhhh. Nice, new, clean sheets thanks to Ja*.

After my shower and the kids' baths, the girls came and climbed up on my nice clean bed for scriptures and family prayer. Everyone was here, clean, quiet and sweet.
It was magical. And for a moment I forgot my woes and life seemed perfect. Just for a moment I forgot the helplessness, the medicine, the pain and the sheer frustration and life felt like it was just two short weeks ago.

And then I realized that everything IS perfect. At least everything that really matters is. My husband, my sweet daughters all healthy, happy, together.....and clean sheets. What more could a girl want?

My two big outings.

I've been out of the house twice in 11 days now. And since I'm laying here unable to get comfortable, I thought I would distract myself by telling you about them. Poor you if you have nothing better to do then read about my exciting adventures right now.

My first and most exciting outing was to the 'open air' MRI. We reclined the car seat all the way back, placed some pillows strategically, stretched my legs up onto the dash board and with only a few moans, were on our way. Laying on a hard metal table being told not to move for 40 minutes is rough but at least I didn't have to be in the claustrophobic little tube. 'Open Air' is the only way to go. After 30 minutes of lying in a horrendously uncomfortable position, the technician came in to shoot dye into my veins and do some more x-rays. By this point, I was in a lot of pain and was trying to be brave but tears were trickling down my face and annoyingly into my ears. Yup, when you're laying completely flat, that's where the tears end up, in your ears. It's annoying. Loverboy stood holding my hand and then leaned over, kissed me on the cheek and sang into my ear the James Taylor song that was playing in the room except he was changing the words to fit with what was happening at that moment. I couldn't laugh but it was still sweet and as always left me wondering what I would do without him. (By-the-way, the results of the MRI show a herniated disc. L5 I think. The same one I herniated 10 years ago and had surgery to repair. Who knew you could herniate a disc twice? After a week and a half on steroids, the pain hasn't subsided and I fear I may soon start growing hair on my chest or developing large, bulging muscles. So, it's on to plan B....going to see a specialist on Friday...)

Memorial Day my family headed off to the church BBQ/swim party and I prepared to endure another day in bed, alone. The day was o.k. and when they all got home later and decided to head to the end of the culdesac for a neighborhood party that had just begun, I decided to be adventuresome and join them. I reasoned the fresh air would do me some good. I didn't want to make a scene so loverboy drove me four houses down (not conspicuous at all) and tossed a blanket under a shady tree and deposited me there and then ventured out to mingle.

Every now and then I'd see him talking to someone and point over in my direction, no doubt explaining that that pathetic heap over there was his wife. Later, out of pity I'm sure, one lady he'd been talking to came over and sat down and talked to me for awhile. Out of probably 75 people at the little street party, she was the only one who came over to visit me. Unless of course you count the 3 dogs who tried to come and pee on me. Apparantly I'd planted myself on the local neighborhood pee spot.

The first little guy came and sniffed me and then turned around and started backing in towards me. I don't know much about dogs but I knew that wasn't a good sign. I tried to push him away hoping his owner wasn't looking on at the crazy lady laying on the grass abusing his dog. The second smelly little thing followed a few minutes later, peed a mere inch from my blanket before I even knew what was happening, then turned and started to kick up grass on me (grass with pee on it I'm sure) as if trying to cover the evidence. After doggie number 3 showed up and lifted his leg, I had had it and called for my coach to take me home....back to the shelter of my cozy little room and my soft bed...with no one trying to pee on me.

Tender Mercies

One of the reasons I love being a Mormon beyond the most obvious one that it's the greatest source of happiness in my life next to my family, is that you have a built-in network of support, wherever you are and whenever you need it. Usually the help comes before you can even ask for it. It's like having a big huge awesome family in addition to your real big huge awesome family!

Last week, I hurt my back somehow. It started out as an annoyance and worsened daily until I was flat on my back in a lot of pain. Every morning that I woke up and realized it was worse and I was more unable to move was followed by a good cry into my pillow and then my morning prayer pleading with Heavenly Father to make the pain go away. I'm a Mom for crying out loud. I don't have time for this. Sure having to stay in bed for a day or two....sign me up! But for days on end? Just shoot me.

Trials stink. I think we can all agree on that. But I'm learning that some pretty cool things can come out of having to endure trials. Lucky for me, I have lots of time to lay around and ponder on the tender mercies mixed in with what feels like a huge trial in my life right now. I've been writing them down so I won't forget and so that I can read over them when I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Here are a few of the tender mercies I've experienced over the last ten days while staring at my ceiling.

• One friend brought over a supply of movies and reading materials and made time to just sit and listen to my feelings of helplessness over the current situation. I told her I wished there was a way I could rig up my laptop comfortably above me so that I could use it while laying flat which is the only way I'm comfortable. I was picturing it somehow hanging from ropes tied to my bed posts. I just wanted some access to the outside world and felt that I could at least do some things dealing with my church job and other obligations if I could at least use my computer. She went home and designed and built (in about 2 hours) a desk that sits across my lap which I can comfortably type on while laying completely flat in bed. SERIOUSLY, how cool is that?!? I have now been able to help research items for church girl's camp, send e-mails, read inspiring talks and stay in touch with friends and my cute church girls in spite of my nearly complete immobility. Another reminder that while God doesn't always answer my prayers exactly as I want Him to, WHEN I want Him to, He still hears me and is taking care of me.

• On a particularly hard, frustrating morning, I logged onto my e-mail to find an e-mail from a friend I hadn't talked to in awhile. She said she'd just "had the feeling" for days that she should call and see if I wanted to have lunch. Well, we did. She delivered it to me in bed and we sat and chatted for an hour. It was just what I needed that day, evidence of God's hand in my life.
• A husband who could be getting cranky that he's having to do his work and MY work but does it with a smile always and with an encouraging word and a daily pep talk. A man who isn't getting enough sleep because he lays awake trying to help ME sleep through the long, uncomfortable nights. And a man wise enough to ask me what Christlike attributes I'm learning when I'm crying for comfort and understanding. If Jeff isn't evidence of God's hand in my life, I don't know what is.
• How many people, without making a single phone call or request for help could have friends bringing in dinner several nights a week, taking and picking up kids, buying and delivering groceries, delivering produce that is cut up and bagged, doing laundry, laying in bed and watching a movie with me, helping me be o.k. with needing help, calling just when I really need to talk, taking Keeks on outings and meeting every need sometimes before I even realize there's a need? How amazing is it to belong to a church whose people serve constantly and willingly without any thought about repayment ever? I go to church with and have the privilege of being friends with a group of people who are real, living, walking, breathing reminders of the hand of God in my life.

Elder Robert D. Hales said, “Each of us must go through certain experiences to become more like our Savior. In the school of mortality, the tutor is often pain and tribulation, but the lessons are meant to refine and bless us and strengthen us, not to destroy us” (Ensign, May 2003, 17).

A quote from President Spencer W. Kimball comes to mind when I think of the hand of God in my life over the past 10 days. It says: "The Lord does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs."

Thanks to all of you who have been instruments in His hands in watching over me.