Room with a view....

Thought I'd share my current world views with you.

My room = my world.

Here's my view while lying on my right side. That's the side with the sciatic pain so I don't last there very long, maybe two or three minutes tops. I like this view though because there's a cute picture of me and loverboy on the table. It brings back happy memories when I look at it. It was taken on one of our cruises.....I was five months pregnant and happy to be on an amazing ship with my sweetheart eating pretty much non-stop and being able to blame it on "the baby".

The top two things I've day dreamed about in the last 6 weeks....

#1 - life just being normal again

#2 - going on a cruise

This is my most common view. Flat on my back, staring up. I like my ceiling fan because it keeps me cool. However, I've grown to dislike the texture on my ceiling. For the most part probably because I've spent more weeks than any human being should ever have to, just staring at it. It's that awful "orange peel" finish. I'm more of a "smooth finish" kind of girl. I've also spent a fair amount of time wondering why the architect of this home felt the need to add SOOOO many weird angles....everywhere, even on the ceiling. In spite of all it's weird angles though, I love this house. My last house was too "model home perfect". Too unlike me. This house is a work in progress, a little rough around the edges, needing constant work and upgrades. Not perfect, but warm and homey. Much more like me.

Here's the view from my left side....where I spend about 50% of my time. I like this view because I can see the swaying palm trees in the back yard and the pretty drapes my sis-in-law found on sale for me at Anthropologie when we first moved in. I like staring out the window, especially on sunny days. I love hearing the voices of the girls wafting up from the pool while they swim and play. I love hearing loverboy's office door close and hearing him walk towards the house in hopes that he's coming in for a quick visit. The left side is also the side HE sleeps on. So of course when he's here, it's always my favorite side to be lying on.

Here's the straight ahead view. Once in a while, I get wild and crazy and put my sore leg up on the knee of my non-sore leg. It feels good for a couple of minutes and then it hurts and I resume my normal, boring flat position. Come on, admit it. You're just a tiny bit jealous right?? Left side, right side, leg up, leg down...it's almost more excitement than the human mind can conceive. But right now it's my world....my room with its many views.

Perspective

Yesterday was a little rough. I went in for my second epidural. This time they sedated me so it was much easier than last week's. But I came home and dealt all day and night with the migraine that comes when they mess with your spine. Most women who have had an epidural or spinal have probably experienced it. Give me back pain over a migraine any day. I hate having headaches.

At bed time I started feeling really hot and when I stood up to go to the bathroom my heart started racing and I felt like I couldn't breath. Between that and the migraine I just sort of lost it and came back to bed crying......o.k., sobbing. Loverboy went and got a cool cloth for my head and started talking to me to try and distract me from the pain. He gave a play by play of the last cruise we went on together. He described everything in depth right down to the temperature of the room and the long nap we enjoyed on that first day. It was a nice distraction.

Then he talked about the first time he kissed me and when he knew he was in love with me. He talked about the pants I was wearing the first time he saw me. It would probably seem odd that 20 years later he still remembers what pants I was wearing were it not for the fact that what he first noticed about me was my tush. Apparently I rode my bike right up to the apartment building in front of his family room window where he happened to be standing....lurking. He freely admits it. Sadly, it wasn't my charming personality or my sweet spirit that caught his eye but my bum. Yup, that's the stuff good relationships are made of.

We talked until 1:00 a.m. We talked about that come September, I will have known him for longer than I haven't. He will have been a part of my life for OVER half my life. Then we talked about growing old together and how we would feel on our 60th anniversary. We talked about serving missions together and spoiling our grand kids and taking them on trips to Europe. He talked about our relationship being a tree with deep, strong roots that has, and will yet weather many storms. We talked about some of the hard things we've been through together and how they've made us stronger. And he talked about how this current trial would make us stronger still. He told me how proud he was of me for being strong and faithful. I don't feel like I always am so it was comforting to hear that he does.

I've been in bed for six weeks now. It's getting harder and harder to picture life ever being normal again. I think deep down I know it will be but I try to day dream about it and it's getting harder to conjure up the images now. The other day I decided I was going to go down and make dinner for my family. I was determined. I walked down stairs, pulled out the recipe book and stood at the kitchen counter for about a minute before the pain set in too strong and I gave up and walked back up to bed. I miss taking care of my kids and making dinner for my family. I miss it all so much.

This morning I read a blog that a friend told me about. It's written by a mother who's children have some very serious health problems. Hearing losses, tumors, constant tests and trips to the hospital. Another close friend of mine is dealing with breast cancer right now. Another has a son with special needs that requires her constant care and unbelievable amounts of work and patience. Two of my dear friends are raising their children alone, because of husbands who broke covenants and now offer little support, financial or otherwise. I have friends who have lost children. I cannot even imagine going through that. No matter what our trials are, it seems we can find someone with more challenging ones with no effort at all. In the end, they say that if everyone piled up their problems, and had the chance to pick from the pile, they'd end up choosing their own. I don't know if everyone would agree with that or not. But I'm convinced that Heavenly Father wants us to learn from the trials that come our way. That if we let them, they will make us better and stronger. God didn't promise a life free of trials and hardships but He does promise to be by our side to help us through them.

I am truly blessed and I pray for those who are struggling with trials so much more challenging and life altering than my own. I'm so grateful for perspective.

"Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

Good news or bad?

Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

I personally like the get the bad over with and finish with the good. Hope that works for you.

Bad news- The epidural didn't work. At least not yet. It still could though. For now the pain seems worse. Hooray for pain management! I haven't given up hope though. I have two more injections scheduled and we know someone who got great relief after the second one. So that gives me some hope. I keep thinking I should be better so I get up and walk around and then I'm usually regretting it big time within 5 minutes. Grrrr. I'm a little cranky.

Good news- My mom is here this week. I needed her and I'm so happy she's here. It feels good to know the girls are getting some grandma lovin'. My mom and her hubby John are about to leave for 18 months to serve a church mission in the Dominican Republic and we're all going to miss them a lot. So, John's home packing up their house and she's here taking care of us and we're all very grateful she could come in spite of how crazy her life is right now. Thanks Mom!

Grandma singing the girls "bedtime songs".

More good news~ I think loverboy had a happy Father's Day in spite of the fact that his lame wife couldn't pamper him all day. I told him we'd have a "make-up" father's day when I get better. He got to have lunch in bed with me and a short nap and the girls and my Mom made him pancakes with peanut butter and syrup (his favorite) for breakfast. His Mom brought him one of his favorite desserts, sherbert ice cream in a macaroon crust, otherwise known as Mrs. Boydson's dessert. He LOVES it! So overall, I think it was a pretty happy day. The primary kids at church made all the Dad's bow ties out of packages of Skittles. They were so cute! Jeff came home from church wearing his.

The best Daddy in the world wearing his Skittles bow tie, surrounded by his greatest fans.

Stuff

It's Friday and I'm off to the hospital for my epidural. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I want it to work in the worst way. Please pray for me!!

So here's the post I wrote last weekend but never got around to posting:

Friday I had a frustrating visit to the "pain management clinic". After an hour in their office asking me my medical history since birth, they sent me home in pain. What kind of a pain management clinic sends their patients home in pain I ask?!? Please do not dismay though (as I did), they DID send me home with the hope that if my HMO comes through for me this time and actually approves the request in a timely manner, I maybe, possibly, potentially could have authorization by NEXT Friday (yes, a full 7 days away) at which time I could get an epidural injection.....which maybe, possibly, hopefully may or may not take the pain away. Hooray for pain management! Wouldn't it be fun if I had a little device that allowed me to transfer my pain to someone just for an hour or two? I've often wondered if I could let them walk in my shoes (or in my case, lay in my bed) for an hour or two if they would feel more compassionate and help to push things through a little more quickly. I suppose it's not any nicer to wish my back pain on someone than it was to wish the pain of child birth on Loverboy. I just wanted to give him a little taste. Is that cruel?

Shouldn't there be some benefit to pain? Being in pain takes a lot out of you. Doesn't it seem like being in pain should at least burn a lot of calories or something? Seems especially harsh to have to lay here day after day in pain while my muscles disintegrate and I turn into a big, soft marshmallow. I am not looking good people. Luckily I don't spend much time in front of the mirror because it requires standing up. If I did, I might be depressed. I have big bags under my eyes which is interesting since I do nothing but lay in bed. I can't get my hair done which means that gray hairs may start sprouting at any moment. If I have to be a marshmallow with bags under my eyes AND gray hair, it might send me over the edge. Just warning you, a girl can only take so much.

Sunday night, Loverboy had some friends over for a BBQ. I think he did it to lift my spirits. He claimed it was all about him but he had to sacrifice his Sunday nap to prepare so I know it was for me. I asked him what he would serve and he told me not to worry because he had it all under control. (Tater tots and beans were the side dishes. Awesome!) He bought me an outdoor lounge chair and set it up on Saturday so I could lay outside and have a change of scenery. This might seem like a small thing but I can assure you it was not. I have been outside several times now to lay in my chair and it is amazing. I got to watch my kids run around the yard giggling and having fun and I felt little like a normal Mom for awhile. Sunday I layed outside, eating, visiting with friends and laughing. It felt so good.

My cute sis-in-law brought me a gift. Some yummy snacks, a 'Nora Jones' c.d. and some cute pajama pants. If I have to lay in bed all day turning into a marshmallow with no make up and matted hair, I can at least wear cute pajama bottoms, right?!? And they are oh-so-cute and comfy too. I'm wearing them right now and they're even long enough. I'm 5'9". That's not exactly amazonish and yet it's surprisingly hard to find pj's that are long enough for my legs. Thanks LeLe! At least I'm now a marshmallow dressed in cute pj's, listening to some great new tunes (man, I love her voice).

Another thing that made my weekend was church via cell phone. A friend of mine who seems to have a direct line to heaven and often is the answer to my prayers as soon as they arrive in the heavenly in-box, had the brilliant idea to take her cell phone and put in on "speaker phone" at church this weekend. This weekend was a special conference that Mormons have twice a year where we meet together as a stake (the five local congregations) and our local leaders speak to us. The meetings are always wonderful and very uplifting. I was so disappointed that I was going to miss it and having not been to church for a month now has been hard for me. I got to lay in bed and listen to the whole meeting on my speaker phone. It was awesome and inspiring and so very needed. Church gives me what I need to get through the coming week and I feel like I need it now more than ever and I haven't had it. Of course I have plenty of ways to get spiritual upliftment at home, in the scriptures, in books and through music. But there's something about going to church and being surrounded by people you love, who love you, who would do anything for you, and do. A recent convert to the church who spoke in the meeting Sunday said, "LDS people are a people who care and a people who do." It's true. I miss being around them. That's what I've been craving. And even though I wasn't with them, I felt like I was. Hearing the familiar voices, listening to words of hope and inspiration was just what I needed.

The Latest

The spine surgeon said he wants me to try an Epidural injection. They basically inject some potent pain killers and steroids right into the injured nerve. I'm guessing it's going to be a lot of fun. The goal is to soak the injured nerve with the anti-inflammatory steroid allowing the nerve to recover and the pain to subside. Don't I sound doctorly? As for the disc that's floating around in there, I'm not exactly sure what happens to that. And what about the scar tissue from my previous surgery, did we ask about that? I always think of all the questions to ask when I get home. Grrrr. I guess I don't really care what happens to the pesky disc or the scar tissue as long as the pain goes away.

I REALLY want this to work. Really.

In the meantime, Keekees keeps me happy with these....

She delivers AT LEAST 10 "letters" to my room each day. Sometimes she walks in asking if there's anyone in the room who has a hurt back. (I have to raise my hand) Sometimes she asks for the sick person in the room. Sometimes she tells me she found something in the mailbox for me. But ALWAYS, she stands smiling as I open, admire and gush over whatever is inside the tiny envelope.

Daydreaming

I've been lovingly reprimanded several times for not posting anything on my blog for the last few days. After all, "it's not like you don't have any time" someone said. I can't argue with that one, I have nothing BUT time. After awhile though, even the enjoyable things like watching movies and blogging grow wearisome. I know you don't believe me, but it's true. And another thing - I think Vicodin gives me writer's block. Really. But writing is therapeutic for me so I'm going to try to do better.

One friend sent me an e-mail last week saying, "Bless you for documenting this journey and for staying grateful in spite of these challenges. As I go around doing my daily chores I'm remembering you and trying to be grateful that I can do them." Another friend asked if I would use my blog for updates so she would know what's going on without having to bother me. OK, OK, I'll try to do better. At least while I'm still down. Once I'm better, I'm sure I'll go back to neglecting my blog for months on end. But for now, I'll try.

Today I was daydreaming about going to the gym. I'm not one of those people who is obsessed with working out and loves it. I'm not and I don't. But I do like the way I feel after I've had a good workout. So today I was daydreaming about how good it would feel to be sweaty, tired, out of breath, with sore muscles and a sense of accomplishment. Don't get me wrong, I still experience all of those sensations, just not in the same way.

I run out of breath walking up the stairs on my once daily trip downstairs. I know....pathetic. I feel tired at 2 am when I can't sleep. I have sore muscles from laying in the same position all day. Who knew you could get sore doing absolutely nothing, but you can. But I do have a sense of accomplishment after I've done something hard like taking a shower or putting in a load of laundry. Baby steps.

I also daydreamed about flying to Utah today. There was a fare special on Delta. $69 each way. I wish I could fly up there and help my Mom pack. She's getting ready to leave on a mission for our church for 18 months. My Mom, who was recently diagnosed with Leukemia, is leaving the comforts of home to go to the Dominican Republic with her new husband for a year and a half to serve others. If anyone was entitled to a pity party, it's her. But instead of feeling sorry for herself, she's cheerfully packing her life into boxes to set off with two suitcases and a lot of faith onto a new adventure. She's a pretty amazing woman.

I was talking to my Mom the other day and she was telling me about her two back surgeries. The first time, when I think I was about 4 years old, she was down for 2 months and had a lamenectomy. Then, a year later her spine collapsed and she had to go in for a spinal fusion when my little sister was only ONE. That time she was down for SIX months....with a one year old and three other children. She told me the ladies from church helped her out just like they're helping us. I can't imagine being down for as long as she was. But we're both remarkably lucky to have such a strong support system.

So here's the update: Still in bed, still bored, still frustrated but also still very grateful.

I just got a call from the spine doctor and thanks to a call from my primary care doctor, who convinced them that I need to be seen sooner than June 22nd, they're going to see me in the morning!! Hallelujah! Dr. Payne, (yeah, that's really his name) YOU ROCK!! Don't tell me prayers aren't heard! I've never been so excited to go to a Doctor's appointment. Ever.

Things are pretty good. I allow myself 10 minutes a day to feel sorry for myself and the other 23 hours and 50 minutes, I try to focus on all I have to be grateful for. And trust me, there's a lot. As trials go, mine is pretty low on the scale. I spend a lot of time playing the "it could be worse" game. It puts things in perspective. I can think of about 10,000+ ways my situation could be worse. There are so many people out there struggling with truly horrendous things. Having a little trial of my own has helped me feel even more compassion for them and made me even more determined to serve others when I'm able again.

IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, Mi* brought me two delicious sack lunches and wrote me a sweet, comforting note, Le* brought me another batch of her magical brownies with special healing power (she brings them every week), Di* took Keeks for a playdate and came and visited with me, Gi* took Keeks to run errands and then picked up all the kids from school (which she's done every day for weeks now), Ju* kept Keeks for the entire day yesterday and then brought us dinner. One of my sweet girls from church, Er* came to visit me and stayed and talked for an hour. Ja* and An* came and cleaned my house, even the toilets. It's painful laying in bed while friends clean your toilets. Sa* brought us an impromptu dinner and muffins, loverboy has brought me meals in bed, filled my water jug, changed the sheets, helped me get dressed, fought the evil HMO, listened to me, talked to me, loved me and been my knight in shining armor. The girls have been patient with me, brought me things, snuggled with me, made me get well cards and posters and prayed for me. Countless others have called or e-mailed to check in on me too. Experiencing such service and kindness in such a short period of time makes it hard to feel sorry for yourself for too long.

Now I'm day dreaming about the day when I can do for others what they've done for me. That will be a happy day.