Progress, not Perfection

Went to my first post-op appointment today. My incision is healing nicely and is almost completely closed up. Fabulous, other than the fact that it looks like I was stitched up with a rusty needle and dental floss by a contestant on Survivor during one of the immunity challenges. Seriously, I am going to have one ugly scar. I'm pretty sure they turned me over to a 23 year old medical resident to be stitched up and I think it was probably his first time. Lucky me. I'm a little hurt that they didn't look at me and think I might be a swim suit model who shouldn't have a big ugly scar on her back and stitch me up gently and with great delicacy and care. I'll bet they wouldn't have left some hot chick with a perfect body with this hideous scar. So ya, I'm a little bitter but I'll get over it.

When I told the doc I still have a lot of sciatic pain, he was surprised, which was NOT comforting. I expected him to say, "don't worry, that's completely normal", but he didn't. Long story short, he said it's possible the nerves were just so traumatized that it's taking them a long time to calm down. He told us my disc had broken off and was basically fused onto my nerve root by scar tissue. They had to peel off the scar tissue and dig out the disc material, which, he said was why the surgery was longer and more complicated then they had planned on. This was the first time I had heard any of this, so it was interesting.

He prescribed a new medicine that hopefully will help the sciatic pain and said to come back in two weeks. (The new medicine says on the bottle, "Call your doctor immediately if you have mental/mood changes, new/worsening feelings of sadness/fear, or thoughts of suicide." .....if my posts become more depressing, please notify the proper authorities.) As I sat in the lobby waiting for Jeff to pull the car up, I wondered if any of the people walking by felt grateful to be able to walk without pain. I'm sure I never did before this experience but I can assure you I will from now on. To be able to walk without pain, ahhhh. When I get it back, I hope I will never take it for granted again.

When we got home, I was feeling gloomy. Partly because I was in pain and partly because all the way home I sat contemplating what life would be like if the pain never went away. I decided I needed to have a serious conversation with God. I pray every day, but today I got down on my knees for the first time in 10 weeks. I used to kneel all the time, but it's been too painful and too hard to stand back up...so my recent prayers have been offered in the horizontal position. First, I expressed gratitude for access to a great doctor and good medical care. I thanked Him for sending guardian angels in the form of some incredible women and one very special man to watch over and take care of me in every way. I thanked Him and thanked Him for so very many things.

Then, I pleaded with Him to let this trial end....to take away the pain and let my life return to normal. To let me feel like a good wife and mother again. I made lots of promises to Him. I plan to keep them whether the pain leaves or not. But I really hope it goes.

Afterwards, I felt peace. Not perfectly peaceful, but enough. Enough to know that Heavenly Father knows me, He hears my prayers and He loves me. Suddenly, I was able to recognize progress. I realized that I am no longer in pain when I'm lying down. I also realized I can stand up for a good 10 minutes before the pain comes. I'm also getting around better without my cane (which is good because I feel ridiculous using it). Today I even went downstairs, put a few things away, and wiped the kitchen counters. That's HUGE! Progress, not perfection. Maybe that's one of the things I needed to learn from this whole fabulous adventure. I don't need to expect perfection. As long as I'm making progress, it's good enough. Slow and steady, baby steps....progress!